an organized chaos

just a peek into a life that I'm still trying to figure out.

I’m starting to think that I may simply be destined for a life of pure mediocrity. I’m at this stage in my life, where I just seem to be making all of the wrong decisions, from classes to friends to romantic endeavors. Nothing I do seems to be the RIGHT thing, whatever the hell that may be. Naturally, I’m writing this because I just got the second consecutive straight-up-C on an exam in a class that I ‘should’ be doing great in. I GOT AN A ON THE FIRST EXAM FOR GOD SAKES. I go in to the test feeling like I’ve got it all down, and I’ve done almost everything I can do to test myself. Then, I sit down, and the words look like a foreign language. All of a sudden, every activator, repressor, protein that I knew exactly 5 minutes beforehand is suddenly this bizarre arrangement of numbers and letters that would mean more to a six-year-old. I know you’re all sitting there (and by you I mean the collective No One that actually reads this) saying, “Well, why are you sitting here writing about it, asshole? Get off your ass and do something about it.” And this is what I have to say to you, get off my back. LOL. Nah, but really, I’m never on this thing anyway. I gotta vent this shit to someone, so it might as well be No One.

Point is: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life anymore. Okay, so nobody really does for quite a while, especially when they’re my age. But at this point, I’m not sure I even have a general direction. I was going to be a doctor, perfect. Well, it seems that dream has been entirely dashed by the last three semesters of my college career. Weird, GPA matters, crazy right? Option two: become an optometrist, less competitive than med school, same general idea. Well, at this point, with my science GPA on the steady decline, that’s starting to look like a castle in the sky too. So, what the FUCK do I do now? As my friends have been hearing, as of late, my Future Options were as follows:

a. Med-school

b. Optometry school

c. Die

So, now what? I’d prefer to avoid option ‘c.’ but I haven’t really left room for any others. I don’t even know what other options exist. I’ve been trying to explore, but I know so little about anything outside of what I’ve been focusing on for the last, I don’t know, 16 years. Yes, I wanted to be a doctor at 4. Get at me. I, honestly, don’t know who to trust anymore about what to do at this point. I swear, every single fucking advisor has steered me in the wrong direction. Or, if it was in the right direction, it was with so little direction that I had no idea what they were trying to tell me. Well, now I’m here, with essentially no sort of future in front of me, and a bunch of classes driving me deeper and deeper into the ground.

I seem to be going back and forth, between the mindset of,Okay, you can do this, you’re going to find something that suits you better and that you’ll love, and, WLEJFAWOIFWHOLYSHITWHATHEFUCKAMIDOINGWITHMYLIFE you’re so going to end up flipping burgers for the rest of your life with 432 cats as your only companions. Obviously, really productive thinking going on here.

Nevertheless, I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I’m only 20, anyway. Only problem is, even just coming out of here with an Mrs. is going to be a challenge considering my complete lack of romantic interest or abilities.

For shits and gigs, I looked up my horoscope last night. Apparently, this week, as in today and tomorrow, things are really supposed to be getting tense with someone and this weekend all hell is going to break loose…good thing everyone will be at their respective homes this weekend and I will be HERE. Alone. I won’t be holding my breath for that one. Much like the job I sent an email out for…3 days ago. I still haven’t heard back. I guess that won’t be happening. Angst angst angst. That’s all this shit is. Whatever. 

I’m not really bitter. I promise. =)

2 years ago